(Dirty) Blonde Ambition

Date: How would you describe your hair color?

Me: Dark blonde… dirty blonde?

[…]

D: What would your dream job be?

M: Something more creative than what I’m doing now. I’m not really sure. Something where I could write more, I guess. I honestly don’t know if my dream job actually exists… even if I was getting paid to write, and writing stuff I enjoyed, I’d always want to find something else, something I haven’t been able to accomplish yet.

D: Must be that blonde ambition… so you like to write? What kinds of stuff do you write?

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Sunday Morning

In school, Sunday was spent reliving the weekend while dreading Monday and the rest of the week. More bitter than sweet, Sunday was a day of finishing assignments or studying for the coming week and other tasks I had neglected the previous week.

Now, Sundays aren’t so bad. Between working (and working late) during the week, and traveling all over the state on weekends, Sunday is my one day. Even if I’m not busy Monday-Thursday, after work I barely make it to the gym let alone feel like doing things I actually enjoy. Somehow after sitting in my cubicle for 8+ hours all I want to do after work is sit some more and watch Netflix. I don’t even feel like reading, and I like reading! Fridays after work I’m usually scrambling to pack my bag for the weekend to see my parents, or to go see friends the next state over. Sometimes I’m scrambling to clean my apartment for the rare occurrence someone is coming to see me that weekend. Or I’m scrambling to get ready for a date, on occasion. Either way – Friday is full of scrambling. Saturdays are always fun, at least. Whether it’s a chill day with my family or a day-long birthday extravaganza full of alcohol from noon until midnight, it’s good. But Sundays. That’s my day.

I don’t go to church, but Sundays are my religion. I’m truly free on Sundays. There are no obligations; no one makes social plans on Sundays and being out of the homework cycle leaves me to do whatever I want. I sleep in, I drink coffee all day, I write. I get to be my introverted self without judgement. It’s my reset day: I can clean, I can spend half the day making a meal that may (or may not) turn out to be incredible, or I can stay in bed with a book all day. I can be quiet, barely turning on the TV. Or I can be loud, music blasting. I can sit in a coffee shop and watch people without saying a word all day, I can talk to myself as I drive around, or I can call everyone I know. Or I can stay in bed all day.

Daily meditation might be recommended, but who has time for that? A good Sunday is enough to get me through the week.

“So, what do you do?”

Every time I see someone I haven’t talked to since I got my job, of course we ask each other what we’ve been up to. I tell them I graduated, got a job, live in a different part of the state, etc. Then they ask “So what do you do?” and I tell them my title, which like most titles, essentially means nothing. Sometimes they actually accept this as an answer, which is awesome, and maybe they ask what company I work for. Which, again, most people haven’t heard of most B2B companies so me telling them means nothing. They’ve heard of the main client I work for, but I can’t exactly tell them that so I continue being vague. If none of this is acceptable, they then ask something to the effect of “Soooo what does that mean? What do you actually do all day?”

Here’s the weird part for me. I have no idea. I mean yeah, I know what I do on a daily basis. I know what my job description is, vaguely. But, for example, I don’t know what to put on my resume. I never do. I mean, I know the tasks I do and what they’re used for, and in theory what the client uses them for. However, to anyone not in the industry, anything I say isn’t going to make sense. So I either ramble out some jargon about panels, verbatims, reporting specs, and testing scenarios, or I just say “I sit at a desk all day.” Neither of which actually answers their question, and it doesn’t sound the slightest bit glamorous, but neither is my job. And I get that I’m entry level, I really do. I understand that I’m just a glorified intern. And yet…I constantly feel like anything I do has no significance, no impact, and no value whatsoever.

That’s not exactly selling myself, is it?

Maybe if I was less ambitious this would all be ok. I would sit in my cubicle, put in my time, and wait until it was time to retire. Follow the suggested path, keep my head down, etc etc. I just can’t do that, though. On the other hand, I’ll be the first person to admit I can be a lazy piece of shit. Motivation eludes me for the better part of the day and maybe even week – but only when I’m not interested. If I can find a task or project that is challenging and interesting, then I also find it motivating. What I do now, is neither of those things. Some tasks, occasionally, yes. Any new things that break the monotony of my normal job routine, I will jump at the chance to tackle those projects on my own and I’ll spend all day trying to figure it out and how to do it well.

But how do I do that on a daily basis? Where is this magical job that makes me passionate about my work? Of course I understand there will always be good days and bad, but where’s the job that motivates me to do more than just kill time in my cubicle?

I love that I know things about economics and I even appreciate that I had to suffer through a few accounting classes, but that is what I really wish they would have taught me in college. How to find my perfect fit of what I’m good at and what I’m passionate about. I don’t know even how anyone would have taught such a thing…but I wish someone had. How do I figure out what I want? Once I do, how do I get there?

“Give it time,” they say. Maybe patience has just never been my strong suit, because I’m only 23 and I couldn’t be more restless.